


From Him I Never Want To Part

by briewinchester



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Gabriel/Sam Winchester, Established Relationship, Fake Character Death, Feels, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Sam Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sleep Deprivation, episode tag: s05e19 Hammer of the Gods, i think i covered everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-24
Updated: 2013-12-24
Packaged: 2018-01-05 22:33:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1099360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/briewinchester/pseuds/briewinchester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam witnessed Gabriel's death and heads down a path of destruction. Can Dean save Sam from himself or will the unexpected return of Gabriel be Sam's undoing?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Sam, Dean and Kali made their way out of the Elysian Fields motel. Sam opened the back door for Kali to enter as Dean got behind the wheel. Sam had his hand on the door handle of the passenger door and froze. He had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach and it was making him feel nauseous.

He looked back at the motel and he knew he had to go back in there. He didn’t know why, but he had to help Gabriel. He let go of the door and ran. He ignored his brother yelling after him and went back to the banquet hall where they’d left Lucifer and Gabriel.

Sam got there just as Lucifer plunged the angel blade into Gabriel’s chest. He gasped. His eyes caught Gabriel’s when Lucifer delivered the killing blow. Sam felt tears fill his eyes as he watched Gabriel fall lifeless to the floor, the shadow of his wings etched into the floor. This was the third time that Sam watched someone he loved die.

He wanted nothing more, in that moment, than to kill Lucifer right where he stood. Sam couldn’t move. He couldn’t breathe. His legs felt like jelly and his knees were about to give out under his weight. He finally tore his gaze away from Gabriel’s lifeless body and looked over at Lucifer.

"Why?" Sam choked out around a sob.

Lucifer seemed to finally notice that Sam was in the room. He turned to face his true vessel.

"Because Sam, I can’t have you distracted with pointless relationships. Even if he was my brother." he saw how broken Sam looked. Lucifer walked over to Sam and looked into his eyes. "Sam, I’m doing you a favor. As soon as he got bored, you know as well as I that he would leave you."

Sam ignored Lucifer and forced himself to move toward Gabriel. He fell to his knees at Gabriel’s side, the tears finally falling. Sam reached out his hand and stroked lovingly over Gabriel’s face before carding his fingers through Gabriel’s dirty blond hair. He half expected Gabe to rouse at the tender touches. Sam longed to look into those amber eyes, always filled with mischief and playfulness.

His gut was clenched up in tight knots because his angel was gone. The first person he ever loved, since Jess’ death, won’t come when he’s lonely or when he needed or wanted him. He lied down beside Gabriel, curling his taller frame around the archangel’s smaller one.

He rested his head over Gabriel’s lifeless heart, wishing he could hear it just one last time. He let the floodgates open and soon his face was soaked with tears. He gripped Gabriel’s jacket tight in his fist, holding on to the one thing that kept him going; that kept him strong. The one person who soothed him when his fears took on a life of their own or when he and Dean had a fight, Gabe would listen to and comfort him as best as he could.

He stayed curled around Gabriel, forgetting that Lucifer was there and didn’t notice when he left. He didn’t know how long he lay there, but he was pulled out of his grief by Dean’s hand on his shoulder. Sam turned his tear-stained face toward Dean.

"He’s gone. He’s really, really gone. He can’t be gone. What will I do now? I can’t live without him."

Dean rubbed Sam’s shoulder comfortingly. “C’mon Sam, we gotta get a move on. You need time to grieve and process.” he helped his grief-stricken brother up off the floor.

Sam couldn’t take his eyes off Gabriel’s lifeless body as Dean gently led him from the room. Another tear slipped down his cheek and whispered, “Please, don’t leave me” before making his way to the Impala.

He made Dean watch the dvd Gabriel gave them alone. He couldn’t bear to see Gabriel so alive after witnessing his death; it was just too much. When they reached their motel-of-the-week, Sam went to his bed and curled up on his side, hugging Gabriel’s pillow and inhaling his sweet scent. He fell into a fitful sleep, nightmares plaguing his dreams. After the third attempt at sleep, Sam decided to just get up. He made some coffee and poured himself a cup and sat down at the table, staring into space.

Hours turned into days, days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months and Sam just went with the motions. He threw all his energy, what little he had these days, into research and trying to find a way to pull the plug on the apocalypse. He barely ate and slept and spent most of his free time drowning his sorrows and grief in a bottle of Jack.

Dean was becoming very concerned about Sam’s behavior. He’s seen this before with their father and he doesn’t want Sam to head down that road. He tried everything he could think of to cheer Sam up. He even tried helping with the research. All that got him was a sad smile and a, “Thanks but I got it.”

Dean slipped out, while Sam was sleeping, and called Bobby.

"I’m really worried about him Bobby. I just—I don’t know what to do. He’s acting like dad after mom died. I’m afraid that he’s gonna do something stupid; Lucifer stupid."

Bobby listened as he took a sip of whiskey from his flask. “Dean, you know as well as I do that Sam won’t do that. He’s just grieving. Give him some time and he’ll bounce back to his old self.”

Dean sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger. He leaned back against the wall beside their motel room door and closed his eyes.

"I know Bobby, but I can’t stand to see him like this. He barely eats and gets maybe an hour or two of sleep a night, if he’s lucky, before the nightmares set in. And he drinks nothing but coffee and Jack Daniels. And when he thinks I’m not looking, he cries. It’s like Jess all over again."

Bobby sighed. “I don’t know what else to tell you son. Just, look out for your brother, ya idjit.”

Dean huffed out a laugh before hanging up and went back inside. He toed off his boots and stared at Sam’s back, shaking with his silent tears. Dean sighed as he burrowed under the covers.

"Don’t worry Sammy; I’ll help you through this. You just have to let me in." he whispered into the darkness.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Three months later…

Sam had no idea how he got here. He was shaking and tears were streaming down his face as he stared into the ice blue eyes of Lucifer.

"Alright. You win. I’ll do it. I just can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. It hurts too much."

Lucifer smirked and took a step toward Sam. “That atta boy. I knew you would warm up to me eventually.”

Gabriel couldn’t take this any longer. He stayed silent for too long. He couldn’t watch Sam do this to himself any longer. When he faked his death, he didn’t realize that Sam would hurt this much. Gabriel took his angel blade and plunged it straight though Lucifer’s chest.

Sam watched, shocked, as Lucifer’s face contorted into pain and confusion. Sam took a step back and closed his eyes, covering them with his arm, as the room was ensconced with a bright, white light. When the room went back to normal, Sam brought his arm down and Lucifer was at his feet, the shadow of his wings etched in the floor.

What shocked Sam the most was seeing his supposedly dead angel boyfriend standing in front of him, wielding a bloody angel blade. He felt the tears welling up in his eyes again. He took a few steps back on shaky legs, almost losing his balance a couple of times. He backed up until his back became flush with a wall and slid down it, hugging his knees to his chest.

He could not believe what he was seeing. Was this some kind of sick joke his grief stricken mind was playing on him? Was he hallucinating now? This was just great. Wonderful. Peachy. How was this his life?

Gabriel dropped his blade and followed after Sam. He needed to assure Sam that he was real. He knelt in front of Sam and gently took a hold of Sam’s wrists.

"Sam, please look at me kiddo. It’s me, I swear. Sammy, I would never lie to you about something like this."

At that, Sam’s head snapped up and anger replaced all other emotions. He pushed at Gabriel’s chest, not expecting him to move away, but surprised when he actually moved back.

"You left me. Alone, when I needed you. Do you even know what that did to me? I was a complete and utter mess. I just shut down because I thought you were dead. You could’ve said something to me you selfish son of a bitch! It would’ve saved me a lot of heartache." he said around a sob.

At least Gabriel had the courtesy to look penitent. He bowed his head and rubbed his thumbs across Sam’s delicate wrist bones.

"Oh Sammy, I’m so sorry. It was never my intention to hurt you. I needed Lucifer to think I was dead so I could get a better plan put together. I had no idea that you were going to be there to witness that. I wanted to tell you so bad, I just couldn’t risk Lucifer finding out my plan."

Sam still couldn’t meet Gabriel’s eyes. A part of him didn’t want to believe this was happening, but the other part was so elated that Gabriel was actually here and alive. Sam knew he was still trembling, he just couldn’t seem to calm down. This news was a pretty big shock to his system and he’s still trying to process.

"During those months you were gone, I felt so abandoned. During the nights I couldn’t sleep or I awoke from a nightmare, I would pray to you. I never got an answer and it just solidified that you were gone and never coming back." he couldn’t hold back his tears any longer.

Gabriel gathered the freakishly tall hunter into his arms and rocked him back and forth, trying to soothe him.

"Sammy, I would never abandon you. And I am so sorry that I made you feel that way. I heard all your prayers and it killed me that I couldn’t come to you to soothe your anxieties or fears. You have no idea how badly I wanted to come to you."

"So why didn’t you?"

"You know why."

"I don’t care. I needed you and you left me. I thought you were dead. I held your lifeless body in my arms. I saw your wings etched in the floor. Y-You were gone." he went silent after that, finding he didn’t have the energy to fight anymore.

Gabriel held Sam tighter in his embrace and flew them to his hideout and settled them  on his gigantic bed. He pulled Sam into his chest and stroked over Sam’s back in soothing strokes.

"Sleep Sammy. I promise I’ll be here when you wake up."

Sam didn’t know if he should trust Gabriel, but he was exhausted. Months of barely sleeping to hardly any sleep at all took its toll after a while. His eyelids fluttered closed as he listened to the thumping of Gabriel’s beating heart.

When Gabriel was sure Sam was in a deep enough sleep, he removed the hunter’s phone from Sam’s jeans pocket. He dialed Dean’s number, knowing the eldest Winchester would be worried about Sam.

Dean was out of his mind with worry. He’d been driving around for days, trying to find his brother. He hasn’t found anything and the little shit disabled his phone’s GPS and Dean wasn’t anywhere near a computer to turn it back on. He’d tried calling Sam for hours and got his voicemail. He finally gave up and pulled into the first motel he came to.

He had just plopped down on his bed when his phone began to ring. He groaned as he pulled it from his pocket to look at the caller ID. Anger filled him when Sam’s name flashed across the screen.

"Sam, where the hell are you?! I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Why didn’t you answer your phone?!"

Gabriel held the phone away from his ear as Dean screamed over the line. He brought it back when Dean’s breathing became labored form his screaming fit.

"Easy there Dean-o. And hello to you too." Gabriel said joyfully.

Dean was all kinds of confused. “Gabriel? You’re alive? But how? Never mind. Where’s Sam?”

Gabriel rolled his eyes. “Calm down. He’s right here with me. He’s sleeping right now and I don’t want to wake him.”

Dean sighed with relief and rubbed his hand over his hair. “Oh thank God. Do you know where he was? What he was doing?”

Gabriel scoffed, anger surging through his small body. “He was in Detroit, about to do something stupid. And where were you? Why weren’t you watching him?”

Fear surged through Dean at the mention of Detroit before it’s replaced with anger. “Don’t you try and blame this on me! Kid snuck out while I was in the shower and just disappeared. I’ve been looking for him for days. Just, tell me where you are and I’ll come get him.”

"I don’t think I will. Listen, before you start yelling, I need to spend some time with him. Him seeing that I’m still alive was a pretty big shock to his system. He’s still processing it and I don’t know everything that went on while I was gone, but he needs time to adjust. I’ll call you soon to come get him."

Dean sighed. He knew Gabriel was right, but that didn’t mean he had to like it. All his instincts were screaming at him to get Sam and protect him. He sighed again. “Yeah, alright. But you listen to me. You hurt my brother again and I will kill you very, very slowly. Do you understand?”

"Perfectly. I won’t hurt him ever again, I promise. I’ll call you soon. Take care Dean."

Dean hung up his phone and flopped back down on his bed. He closed his eyes, finally able to relax knowing that Sam was safe.

 


	3. Chapter 3

The next day, Sam awoke to a luxurious room that he doesn’t remember booking. He didn’t have that kind of money and yesterday was kind of a huge blur. Bits and pieces seem to flash through his memory, but he couldn’t hold onto them long enough to decipher what happened.

He sat up in the extremely soft bed and wiped the sleep from his eyes, feeling much better than he had in months. He was surprised that he slept through the night for once, much to his relief. He got out of bed and noticed that he was in a t-shirt and loose fitting sleep pants. He scrunched his face up in confusion. He didn’t remember changing into sleep clothes last night.

He threw the blanket off of him and padded his way through the house, trying to find a bathroom. He really needed a shower to soothe his aching muscles. He could still feel the exhaustion trying to lull him back to sleep, but he couldn’t sleep until he got answers. He finally found the bathroom and stripped out of his clothes.

He turned the shower on to the hottest setting he could handle. Sam stepped under the spray and moaned as his muscles began to relax, almost making him give in to the lingering exhaustion. Sam quickly washed his hair and body before shutting the water off and grabbed a towel. Once he was dry, he noticed a clean set of clothes sitting on the counter.

Sam became alarmed that he didn’t hear anyone enter the bathroom. He put on the clothes, and with renewed energy, he set about finding out who was here with him. Hunter instincts on high alert, Sam silently descended the stairs. He paused at the bottom, listening for any kind of sound from any of the rooms. He heard a clanking coming from the kitchen and silently made his way in that direction.

Sam rounded the corner and stopped dead in his tracks. Everything from the day before came rushing back to him at the sight of Gabriel standing in the middle of the kitchen. His knees became weak and his head was fuzzy. His vision began to swim and blackness was creeping in at the edges. He began to sway and he knew he was going down; head injuries be damned.

Gabriel sensed that Sam had just entered the room and turned around just in time to see him go down.

"Dammit!" he dropped the pan in his hand and rushed over toward Sam.

He gently placed Sam’s head in his lap and made sure that Sam didn’t hit his head on the way down. Gabe sighed in relief to find that Sam was unharmed and began to stroke through Sam’s still damp locks. He hoped that this wasn’t going to be Sam’s response every time Sam saw him.

Sam sat up quickly, gasping for breath, and looked around frantically. He felt a presence behind him and whipped around, crab-walking backwards until his back hit the wall. His breathing was labored and if he didn’t calm down, he would hyperventilate.

Gabriel approached Sam like he would a scared child or wounded animal. He had his hands held up in the show of surrender position and carefully stalked toward Sam.

"Sam," he said soothingly. "You need to calm down or you’re going to hyperventilate. I need you to breathe with me, can you do that?" he sat behind Sam, pulling the huge hunter into his chest.

"Ok, now I want you to follow my breathing. Inhale, two, three, four, five hold. Exhale, two, three, four, five. Again." he coached Sam until he was breathing normally. He began to card his fingers through Sam’s hair again, feeling the hunter relax into his hold.

Sam couldn’t believe this was happening. All he wanted to do was curl into his angel and never leave Gabe’s protective arms. He buried his face into Gabe’s neck, taking in the scent of chocolate and the comfort of home. He wrapped his arms around Gabriel’s middle and held on tight, not wanting to let go. He hoped against hope that this wasn’t a dream and that this was real.

Gabriel rested his head on Sam’s. “Oh Sammy, I am so sorry. This was never my intention to hurt you like this; I never wanted to hurt you at all. I never should’ve left you alone.”

Sam held Gabe even tighter. “I forgive you, for everything. Just please, don’t leave me again. It almost killed me the first time and I don’t think I can do that again.”

"I promise kiddo. I’ll never leave you again. You have my word." he held Sam, not caring that his ass was getting numb from sitting on the kitchen floor with an overgrown man practically in his lap.

Sam sighed in contentment and rested his head on Gabe’s shoulder and closed his eyes, basking in the comfort he’s missed from his angel.

 


End file.
